Life's a Journey Not a Destination; Struggling with Getting Older

I have always played hard. By that I mean, I have always given 100 percent in all I do giving little regard for personal safety. Playing football, it was common to leave limping or bloody. I have broken many bones including most of my toes, both knees, several ribs, one arm, all my fingers, both collar bones, my skull, and my nose. I was once dared to jump off an over pass into a river about 100 ft. below. Of course… I did it along with dislocating my shoulder. I would have been a good cast member for the show, with Johnny Knoxville and the recently departed Ryan Dunn, Jackass. I did it all; skateboarding, surfing, bmx, skydiving, repelling, rock climbing, and I did it to the extreme!

I was often told (and I believed it) that I would never live past 30. To tell the truth I am not sure I wanted to. I lived by the quote, “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.” I said that I would die before I turned 30 so many times that I truly believed it. So when I turned 30… Well I really can’t describe how I felt. I went though so many emotions that I couldn’t begin to name them. I took a week off of work and to say that I sulked around the house is a huge understatement. I had to do much soul searching.

I am on “borrowed” time. Now what?!? This is still something of a problem for me. I have lived my life thus far on the fast track and I have accomplished a lot. Now, it seems that I have come to a stop. I have done so much. Now, I am settled with a steady 9 to 5 job, a growing family, and all that comes with those responsibilities. I yearn for the excitement of the road, the thrill of the unknown, or just a little bit of variety. I miss having goals! Is this reaching any of you? I still have dreams and desires but I am lost on how to get to them without destroying my family. My goals have become my kids’ goals. I feel as if I didn’t live past 30. I am now living vicariously through my children. I want to be excited with them as they reach new heights, but I AM NOT READY TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF!!!!

What do I do? I have to admit I am at a loss. I try and look at what I have done and say to myself that I have done so much that most people never get to do. I try and tell myself that I have lots to show for all my effort. Nothing seems to help. I have always been an up beat and positive person but I feel as if I should be moving toward … something. What am I missing? Did I live my life too fast? Do I just give up and try not to rot away? I truly am looking for advice on this because I can’t be the only one struggling with getting older. My reader’s have always shown incredible intelligence and wisdom. I am looking for a little of that now. Who knows, maybe we can really help someone out there looking for answers! I am usually a very positive and up beat person so if this is having this kind of effect on me then there must be some out there who are really struggling.

This growing old thing is not all bad though as much as I am complaining. I have 3 wonderful kids including the newest, a beautiful baby boy, born April 1st of this year. We named him Steven Tyler. He is such a joy. Also the two girls, Tristen and Chloe, are so smart and sweet that I can’t imagine anything being anymore fulfilling. My wife is a tremendous woman with a big heart (and she ain’t bad to look at either). Getting older does have its perks and even though I am gripping about a bunch of petty and selfish things, I wouldn’t give it up. Maybe that is the adventure. Just surviving to say I made it. With all the aches and ailments I am starting to get just surviving may be my crowning achievement. I guess growing up while hard is better than I ever expected it to be.